Waiting for the Majority

I keep writing blog posts and letting them fall into drafts.  I'm not sure why.

Before I get into all the things that are on my mind, have a picture.  Because he's pretty cute, and who doesn't like cute kittens?  Imagine the very rumbly purr I can hear quite loudly, even with him all the way down at my feet.  This little guy, when he's not being bad, is really helpful at lifting my spirits.

Comfortable with your leg like that, Renny?

So... It's been 42 days since we took that first home pregnancy test.  I think only about fifteen of them have been days where my emotional scale has been tipped more towards excited than worried.

There were the two days between the home test and the visit to the doctor where she listed off all the frightening reasons why her urine-based pregnancy test had come back with a very weak positive.  (You know, reasons that turned out to be far less likely than the 30+ ounces of liquid I'd downed in the preceding two hours.)

There were five days between the results of my first set of HCG tests that said yes! definitely pregnant! and my trip to the ER where I was diagnosed with a Threatened Miscarriage.

It was eight days between my eight-week ultrasound (heartbeat!) and my next bout with spotting.

I had five days where the scale was just about even, 50/50 excited and worried, after a very reassuring conversation with my doctor.

And then I started spotting again yesterday.  I went into the doctor's office around mid-morning and had two more ultrasounds (abdominal and transvaginal).  There was a strong heartbeat in each, and the baby is measuring exactly right.  So I should be more excited than worried now, right?

But this has been during an extremely emotionally stressful week at work.  (Internet research has been sort of inconclusive as to whether emotional stress can cause early pregnancy bleeding, but I'm putting it down as a possible cause.)  Yesterday, it all kind of came to a head, and as the day went on, I started bleeding more. Not a lot, but more.  I went home around lunchtime and have been couch-bound ever since.

I have two little ultrasound printouts from yesterday that are reassuring.  I saw the fluttery heartbeat with my own eyes.  I know this little bean is okay, healthy even.  So why can't my body quit it with this terrifying, unexplained bleeding?  All I'm asking for is to be more than 50% excited.  The worry will still be there, I know, but I want it to take a back seat, already.

I've had a very snuggly kitten sleeping the days away all cuddled up against me, and a truly awesome husband doing the chores all by himself again so I can do the only thing I know might help and stay off my feet.

The Day for Answers

You may remember a couple of weeks ago when an ER doctor diagnosed me with a Threatened Abortion.  He basically gave me a one-in-two chance of miscarrying.  And then the beta-HCG test that was supposed to give me peace of mind (good or bad) was inconclusive.  It was supposed to go up 60-65%; it went up 55%. 

So for three weeks, Steve and I have been in limbo.  We wanted to be excited, but we were nervous, worried, and scared.

Yesterday, we finally went in for our eight-week ultrasound.  We had to drive separately because we both had to go to work right after, so the drive down was filled with being nervous alone.  I'd worked myself up to the verge of tears by the time we got to our OB's office. 

The nurse did all the checking and then told me, "Clothes off, robe on, open in the front."

Clothes off.  Everything off?  Or just my pants and shirt?  Is the ultrasound going to be the normal kind (undies on, maybe?) or another transvaginal one (undies off, definitely)? 

Debating that question dissipated my nerves some.  Steve also did his best to make me laugh.  (Successfully.)  I finally noticed an array of tools on the counter, clearly laid out for our visit, that made me decide undies off.  I was right.

There was some kind of urgent situation that delayed my doctor, so we ended up sitting there, me mostly naked and wrapped in a much-too-large, thin smock, anticipating the ultrasound that would finally, finally reveal the verdict. 

Baby or no baby?

Let me just mention that over the past few weeks, I'd been feeling more and more optimistic.  Lack of morning sickness made me ever so slightly anxious, but other things (crazy break-outs, ridiculous fatigue, etc.) gave me hope.

Maybe I'm just lucky enough to hold onto my emetophobia (I learned a new word!) and not be sick during pregnancy?

When my doctor came in, amidst a flurry of apologies, she was kind enough to get right down to business: the ultrasound.

And there, in the middle of a fuzzy blob, was a tiny little flutter.  A heartbeat?  

"Is that...?"

"Yep, there's your baby, and that's its heartbeat!"

My sigh of relief may have been big enough to make the Guinness Book of World Records.

She printed out some pictures (mostly-fuzzy blobs), I got dressed, and we got down to the nitty gritty.  There was so much information I'm glad most of it was written down.  Screenings, tests, next visits.  Eat this, not that, exercise, etc.  (Most of that last part I already knew.)

She also bumped the tentative due date of November 29th up two days, to November 27th.  My birthday.  It's a good day to be born!

When I pointed that fact out, the doctor said, "Oh, we'll try not to have this baby on its due date, then."

"I don't mid sharing my birthday!"  In fact, I think it would be kinda cool.

"You might later..."

No, I don't think so.  A large chunk of my family (a cousin, an uncle, my dad, my mom) all have birthdays within days of mine.  I have four really good friends with birthdays right near mine.  I've spent my entire life celebrating my birthday as part of one big, joint birthday party. 

If this baby decides to crash my party this year, I'm totally down with it. 

So, I'm pregnant.  Really and truly.  No more of this limbo thing.  (Only four more weeks before we can tell the rest of the world...)  The best part is, I can finally be excited about it!

Recipe Book: Honey-Nut Granola

A few weeks ago, I stumbled across 100 Days of Real Food.  The idea intrigued me.  I bought the book that started Lisa on her Real Food journey, In Defense of Food.  (I started reading it, and then I found out we're pregnant and switched to pregnancy-related books, instead.)  I think we're pretty good at eating well, although I will admit to the occasional sugar-free (usually sweetened with Splenda or similar) and more-frequent fat-free food item gracing my refrigerator or pantry shelves.

I've been reading the blog a few mornings a week and thinking about switching to all real foods.  Thinking it is half the battle, right?

This weekend, I tried my first official Real Food recipe: Granola.

I had to tweak her recipe a bit because, for some reason, pumpkin seeds and raw not-almonds were three-strikes-and-you're-out ingredients (Trader Joe's, Lassens, and Vons, you disappoint me).  This is how I ended up making it.

Honey-Nut Granola

• 3 1/2 cups rolled oats
• 2 cups raw sliced almonds
• 1 cup unsweetened shredded coconut
• 1 cup raw sunflower seeds
• 2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
• 1 1/2 teaspoons ground ginger
• 1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg
• 6 tablespoons unsalted butter
• 3/4 cup honey
• 2 teaspoons vanilla extract

Preheat oven to 200° F*.  Cover a rectangular baking sheet in parchment paper. Mix together all dry ingredients (oats, nuts, seeds, coconut, and spices) in a large bowl. Heat the butter and honey together in a small saucepan over low heat.  When the butter is melted, stir in vanilla.  Pour the mixture over the dry ingredients and mix until well coated.  Spread onto the parchment paper/pan and bake for 75 minutes.  As it cools, the granola will harden.  Crumble in a large plastic bag.

* The recipe called for 250°, and my first go at this recipe over the weekend yielded really burned granola.  Steve tried to salvage it, but it was too far gone even for him.  It's possible my oven cooks a bit hot, but lowering the temperature to 200° did the trick.

Breakfast: Greek yogurt with apple slices and granola

To balance out completely negate this Real Food snack, I made a Rice Krispy Treat bunny-shaped cake to take to Elaina's for Easter.  It was so delicious, I kind of want to make another batch to have here at home.

So while I obviously have not committed fully to an entirely Real Food diet, I am incorporating it bit by bit. 

The Intersection of Knowing and Not Knowing

I'm going in for my blood test today, and I'm really freaking nervous.

First of all, I hate calling in sick to work.  Especially when I don't feel like I have an obviously valid reason.  I sound fine.  I look fine.  I'll be fine tomorrow, but I'm not going to work today.  I mean, there was the ER visit, the bed rest, the doctor's note to be out, and of course the lab tests today.  But I don't want to tell my boss any of that.  (Maybe she reads this blog.  Then she'd know.)

And then there's the possibility of bad news.  I know the reason I'm doing this test is so that I don't have this possibly-bad-news hanging over me for the next two and a half weeks, but it's turned my stomach into knots. 

I have to remind myself that today, we could get good news.   Things might be on track.  And then I'll just have two and a half weeks of anticipating the ultrasound where we'll see the baby's heartbeat. 

Today, we'll know something. 

Our baby is strong.  Our baby is healthy.  Our baby has a heartbeat.  My HCG count will be over 15,000.